Friday, August 24, 2012

prayer in troubled times.

so much on my heart, on my mind.

I always try to wrestle through it, pray through it, and find some semblance of sense, of completion, of a solution before I pour it out here.

and as of yet, I have not come to any of those blessed places.

my heart is heavy.

I miss my sister.

I feel judged, my husband, my sweetheart, my best friend who struggles hard in this role on his bad days - he is judged, has been accused, carries an ugly, heavy, cross.

A cross that is not his to bear.

my heart aches for a waiting child who had not yet been formed in his or her mother's womb, somewhere out there, a child who God has called my sweet Man and I to bring home. I find peace in knowing this child has not been conceived, that this child knows no pain, no loss, no sorrow, no abandonment. Yet.

My heart still aches, nonetheless.
and my hearts burns and aches and is burdened so deeply for the leagues of children,

beautiful, precious children who were created, born, and left.

and we have so much.
and all they are waiting for is loving arms, food, love, a momma and a daddy.
but there is so much pride, so much selfishness here. it's too expensive. I couldn't handle a special-needs child. I don't want a child with special needs. No, God, NO.

and so I pray. and cry. and wait.

I have a dancing baby boy in my belly. A precious boy who already has a cradle in our room, close to our bed, close to our hearts, and a cupboard full of tiny clothes that his 3 brothers wore on their precious newborn bodies. A boy who already has a name - Otto Ezekiel. I am so in love, and yet so intimidated - again - as I prepare for the labor, the birth, the life of another little one joining us.

God, thank you. Walk with us, as we do our best and fail every day at walking with You. Thank you for Your grace, Your forgiveness, Your light, and love.

God is doing a work in our home. whether to homeschool this fall again - or not.

God is doing a work in my Man's heart and spirit. This work was started before my spirit was ever known to Joel - and it is a thing of beauty to behold, as Jesus strips away the scales, the pain, the deceit and hurt this Man has experienced - and to be witness to the beauty beneath, the glory of God's grace and revealing the joys and blessings he has been given by his mother giving birth to him, his father - his hero on earth - raising him and loving him, and showing him what a man and father and sacrifice look like.

God is so good. Life is hard, life is painful, but God is good.

Seeing my husband, my partner, my best friend have the gloriousness of love wash him, cleanse him, and renew his spirit - I am not fit for the likes of this. I too, am sinful, am carrying armour and judgement and behaviours not fitting for a daughter of the King... but God chose me to be by this man's side. And God chose him to be by my side.

and here we are, with our growing family. our hearts. our home.

we are blessed in so many ways.
and we need so much more.

So I have no choice but to carry the cross with him that people who are also trying to walk in the light of Christ have laid on his back. It's weight digs deep into my flesh, tears me open and wounds me daily.  I cringe beneath the weight of it. I bear it somewhat silently, with much less grace than my Lord. I am unsure, daily, of how to ask for His help in carrying it, too -

and yet know in the depths of my being that He is waiting for me, for us, to drop it, and lay it at His feet because He desperately wants to carry it for us.

and so I pray.
I pray for the accusers.
I pray for my Man,
I pray for myself.
I pray for bigger problems than these, I pray for God to continue breaking my heart for what breaks His, and it sickens me to be weighted by something as trivial as this - when there are children dying - abandoned, and Christians sit back and judge and point fingers and sit on their self-righteous thrones and throw stones.
I pray for guidance, for wisdom, for peace, for patience. for love.

above all, I pray for forgiveness. For them.
God, help us.



  1. Oh sweet heart aches for you in this struggle, and my prayers are strong for you and Joel. For reconciliation with your sister, for God's peace and understanding to pass over them in measures beyond our wildest dreams. xo

  2. Thank-you for the heartfelt post. Thinking and praying for you and your family dear old friend.

  3. Your pictures show tales of love. Tales of beauty. Tales of Jesus lived out in your very life. Your words carry a weight of burden. A heart in sorrow. I can't help but think that this is it. This is life. We may be heavy but we bring it to Jesus. We may feel sorrow or loss but He wants to carry it and even though we are wasting away day by day your life shows the beauty of Him. Of His work in you. Of your following His leading in your life.
    Scripture calls it a 'slight momentary affliction', this life. And you know what its preparing you for? The weight of eternal glory! ]
    Love you, sweet sister. Praying with you in all of this.

  4. Laura: thanks for your willingness to be honest..gut wrenchingly honest. I know what it is like to feel rejected, hurt, offended, hurts deep. I have to hang onto the belief that with Christ I am more than what "I feel". I know He requires me to act justly and in love even if it 'feels' wrong. I have people in my life today that have offended me..big time. I need to confess that and know that as long as I am alive this will happen. This makes me incredibly sad and disapointed. It is what I do with those offenses that I need to focus on today. I might not be able to do anything about how I feel right away but if I choose to change my behavior my feelings have a way of eventually catching up. I need to make a conscious decision to forgive and in doing so I need to drop it, leave it and let it go. Tough. Sometimes that has required a counsellor to help me work thru my pain, expectations and hurt. Choosing to forgive has been and still is the toughest thing God asks me to do and even more so when I know in my heart that they are in the wrong. When I wake up my thoughts immediately go to the hurt, the sadness of the offense I have had inflicted upon me. I need to ask God to renew my mind immediately. More importantly I am learning that I need to stop thinking about it, stop talking about it and get it off my mind and out of my mouth. I really have to stop the habit I have had lately of rehearsing it, repeating it over and over. The quicker I choose to drop it the easier it is to let go. I do not want it to grow roots of bitterness and then cause me to stumble in my walk. I have had this happen and its horrible and affects my life at home most of all. This then affects my prayer life, my home life, my marraige and then even my worship. I want to keep growing and to do so I know I need to pray for those who have hurt me, pray that they be blessed in every way as well. Sometimes God has asked me to go make it right even if I did not do the offending...ahhh so hard. It 'feels' worse when they are Christians. Its like I have had an expectation that this would never happen and then boom. Worse too when they thought they were "hearing from God." I think the evil one likes it when a Christian hurts another Christian then the pain of offense it much more painful. I need to stay in His peace, stay out of strife and walk in Love because as He says "love covers a multitude of sins". I need to watch I don't spend years of my life hurting me because of what they 'did to me". God is my vindicator and LOVE ALWAYS believes the best in all situations. I know that total forgiveness may not mean restoration of the relationship, but I still need to do my part. I need especially to guard my tongue and ask for the help I need to stop rehearsing the hurt. as women I think that is the hardest part. Matt 24:10 talks about the signs of the end times and it speaks about the fact that many 'will be offended' ... also that in my hurtI may stumble and fall away from God..I need to watch that no unforgiveness takes root in my heart. I am still feeling very hurt over a few of the offenses that have happened to me lately but I can choose to behave differently in my speech and in my actions, not on my power but on God's. I can do all things through Christ Who Strengthens me." I love you Laura with all my heart..and will pray for unity to be restored and peace in your heart...xoxoxox

  5. Laura,
    I'm relieved to read this blog - I know you're alive! I've been worried about you, wondering where you are and what's happening in your life! I don't know you other than via cyberworld, and what I do know about you, I so admire and respect. I'm saddened to read about your burdens. Without knowing any details, I feel your pain through your words. It's a season and it will pass. You're going through and not stuck. Keep pressing. Keep praying. God bless you and your family.
    Linda Kirkwood
    Roanoke, Virginia

  6. So very blessed to have found you, Laura!
    Praying from afar.
    Grace and peace... and rest.


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