Friday, May 20, 2011

the ebb and flow.

sigh. these last several weeks. where have they gone?

where has my mojo gone? I fear in the ebb and flow of good days and bad days, restful sleep and sleepless nights - with nearly every night being a sleepless night and the days become all tangled into playing an impossible, dizzying maze of catch-up... and in that I fear that I lose not only my time to restore - but that I lose so much more.

I know through talking to other women, other mothers, other wives, other don't remember-the-last-time-I-slept-through-the-night-it's-been-so-long mamas... I know from talking with them that it's not just me. Phew.

Still, that realization doesn't make it any easier. My body feels sluggish and tired and worn. As does my mind, my heart. 

Days begin with me being dragged unwillingly out of bed, being dragged by only my sense of responsibility to my children, as is any other mother with little ones rising too soon. Exhaustion seeps in, overtakes everything and my only solace is the next time I can crawl back into bed with one or more little ones by my side. One day this week I kept a small running commentary of what took place all day. I was astounded by the sheer lack of productivity due to little ones refusing to sleep, too excited to lay down and close those eyes, in case they miss something. Sounds much more precious than it is after the umpteenth time of a terribly underslept mama running up and down the stairs while little ones won't sleep and cry and whine and refuse any good and helpful assistance, preferring to whine loudly and long and lonely and so very skin crawlingly annoyingly. Think I could be a bit short on sleep? Yes.

Ah. Sleep. It is delicious. Elusive. Revitalizing.

Precious children, when they sleep - for me, the phrase all things become new is on the forefront of my mind when little ones eyes grow heavy and heads droop with the disappearing sun. It is a beautiful, simple but consistent reminder of how we are given a new chance every day. A new birth, a renewal and another opportunity to try again. Us and them. A chance to gain a literally fresh perspective on just about anything.

And for the days where sleep continues to elude me? I drink one heck of a lot of coffee for one person. I listen to music that makes me feel like I'm dancing on the inside. I get to look at some of the most beautiful faces in the world - shining faces as they cheer on the Canucks. Or eyes all ablaze with excitement at the realization of nothingness underfoot while bouncing into the air on the trampoline. Sweethearts shining through sweet faces as they enjoy each other. Bliss for a tired mama.

I had all these high hopes for Amos' first birthday coming up right after this long weekend. Now I don't even know where any of that desire went. I had high hopes to do something huge, something grand, something so special - because I just feel so darn grateful for him, for our family, for everything that we are. And these days I just don't know how or where to tap into any of that desire. I wouldn't even know where to begin, my eyelids are so heavy.

But right now, just for tonight, my little ones are all a-sleepin' in their beds. Nearly. They are all asleep, and I only have one baby in my bed right now, at this moment. Sleep will return one day, I know it will - and with it, my mojo, my energy, my sunny disposition and my creativity and all that entails will flow right back in from where it ebbed before.

This too shall pass.

For now, the house is cooling off with mild evening breezes like how the children drift off one by one. A warm bath and a late cup of coffee are calling my name. It really is so peaceful when the children are resting. Tomorrow is another beautiful, gloriously new day. And who could be cranky with this little face to look at every morning? His big day is coming, and as a friend pointed out, I'm sure it will be wonderful, whatever we choose to do.
Good night. Sweet dreams. I choose to feel something wonderful. Oh, and with the ebb, it flows.
Happy Weekend.


  1. I love the bright green grass pictures of Eggy and Amos.... such bright beauties. And the version of Skinny Love you found as music while reading - it's an amazing cover. Thanks Laura. While writing about the sleep you need, you seem to give back what we need. Words and Music. I feel closer to you geographically when I read your words and hear your music. May 2 hours of zzzz's feel like 10. xo

  2. Aaawww....I like what Katrina said...may 2 feel like 10! Isn't that the truth?
    Lord, please give Laura the rejuvenating sleep she needs. Even if it's only a few hours, make them deep and restful and easy. And when her heart feels heavy and eyelids droopy, take her face in your hands and lift it up....upward toward you, Lord. Shine on her! Give her energy and ideas! And give her a peace that assures her that whatever she decides to do for her sweet Amos, YOUR sweet Amos, that it will be pleasing and glorifying to you. You love her Lord, and I know you are proud of her. Thank you for allowing Laura to share so much of herself to her family, and now to the world. She has been a blessing in more ways than she is even able to fathom. Thank you for blessing me with Laura, Lord. I love you. Amen.

  3. i agree with the above coments, - your blog encourages my sleep deprived heart to be a better mama.
    (When i read your birth story about the *foothills* hospital, i was kicking myself that i didn't meet you when you lived in Calgary :)


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